Wearing Thin

In AA/NA, people are known to challenge one another, or more precisely, the newcomer. It's always done in a loving way, but this doesn't make it any less irritating, particularly when it's me that's being challenged about a flaw I'd rather not deal with.

For example, no matter where I go, I always seem to be late--not by much, mind you, maybe ten minutes, but nevertheless late. Habitually. AA/NA meetings are no exception, and my recurrent tardiness was recently pointed out to me by my new pal Troy, who I love, but who I'd like to smack at the moment for making me look at this...er...defect.

If I were to stop and think about it, I suppose there are valid subconscious reasons for my stubborn refusal to be on time, but knowing those reasons wouldn't necessarily make me arrive any earlier. The fact is I just have to do it, and it's a habit I've been wanting to break for a long time (although I must admit, the thought of arriving on time for family functions makes me break out in a cold sweat).

I suppose addictions come in all forms, even if it's just habitual lateness, but as they say, nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm not sure what will change if I start arriving on time for things other than I'll just be at places 10 minutes earlier.

But hey--my pain is just miserable today...AGAIN...so I'm willing to take direction on just about anything.

I know one thing; when the pain is bad, I get mighty angry, which I used to mollify with a fistful of pills. Now instead I'm told to attend meetings, like that's gonna do anything (for the pain, I mean). I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm pissed and feel like a brat...a LATE brat at that.

Still, I'm beginning to annoy myself with this behavior. It's wearing thin.