Thursday, May 01, 2008

The End of Days

It's May 1st. I can't believe it. Time flies when nothing happens. But that's not really true. A lot has happened this year. I went into rehab March 19 to get off painkillers and stayed for 16 days. They practiced the whole 12-step thing there, which has gotten me into the habit now of going to meetings.

They're very nice, and I love the people (who wouldn't love a bunch of former massive partyers?), but I find it somehwat humorous that amidst this scrappy bunch of misfits, I don't fit in. If only I'd gotten addicted to painkillers for any other reason than pain, then this whole program might mean something to me. I actually envy their connection to one another, and more important, to their Higher Power.

They attribute all their suffering to their former spiritual bankruptcy, their ego and their will. I attribute all of my suffering to untractable, untreatable physical pain, along with depression, despair and a complete abandonment by my "Higher Power." I'm open to the fact that maybe my ego or will or deficient spirit got me into this mess, but it's hard to see how all that can affect bone marrow. It hasn't affected anyone else in the rooms that way. Why me? (And please don't say, "Why NOT you?" JUST DON'T SAY IT.)

Which leads me to the title of this post, "The End of Days." That's right. This is it. My apocalypse of sorts. I'm done with this God thing. No more praying or surrendering or asking why or turning over my will, etc. IT DOESN'T WORK. True, when the pain gets awful, my prayers are of the foxhole sort, which are perhaps perceived as annoying or insincere to any higher power, but still, I need a break. I need an insight. I need money.

My AA pals say, "Keep coming back! Wait for the miracle!" Do they mean the miracle that will heal this jaw pain? Are they delusional? Or am I? Is there some profound connection I'm not seeing?

All I know is that I've been praying to a God who's unmerciful, cruel, sadistic and a bad listener. Time to change Gods.

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